Tuesday, 10 September 2013

going through hell

Today I am continuing my series of posts inspired by Fat Mum Slim's suggestions of 50 topics to blog aboutThe ones I've already done are down at the bottom if you're interested.  I would love to meet Chantelle because she always comes up with good ideas for things to talk about.  Also, she has a wicked way with colour, and she loves a bit of cake.  We have so much in common!  Well, the cake anyway.

Today I am on to topic six, which is:

The hardest thing you’ve ever been through

I had to think for a good, oh, maybe a second, to work out what the hardest thing I have ever been through is.  I know what it is very, very well.  Ladies and gentlemen, the hardest thing I have ever been through is divorce.  My own, and my parents.

This girl only went and got married!
Thanks to my brother for the pic
Now, I am not in any way saying that people shouldn't get divorced.  Sometimes you have to.  I just think it should be avoided, if there's any other way of dealing with the situation.

Let's start with myself (me me me!), you may recall I left home the day after I finished my A-levels and went to live with my fiancé in the Isle of Man.  Here I am, looking all young and gothic (he looked young and gothic too, but I don't have any photos of him, I'm afraid - do you?).  I was madly in love and full of hopes and dreams, and also had a healthy dose of just plain daftness, and we had a very cheap wedding in a castle, with me in a golden skirt which was rather fabulous, and some white stiletto slingbacks which fit, and that's the only good thing I can say about them.

I'm not going to get into the he-said-she-saids of it all, but suffice to say that the marriage didn't work.  Thinking about it now, with most of the daftness knocked out of me, I don't think it could ever have worked, but still.  The falling apart of that relationship, and the death of the hopes and dreams tied up in it very nearly killed me, and left me older, wiser, and not as nice.  Statistics for teenagers getting married are incredibly bad (I've talked about this before in my post on staying together), and I wonder if it wouldn't make sense in these days when we've realised it's actually perfectly OK to not get married (and that it doesn't matter if you're marrying Martin or Mary), if we moved the age you can get married at to 21.  After all it's an awfully big commitment to expect an 18 year old (or, here in Scotland, a 16 year old) to be capable of making.  What do you reckon?  Did you get married, or nearly so, in your teens?

My parents and I (is goth genetic?)
(I think my Grandma took the pic)
The other big divorce event in my life was that of my parents, when I was nine.  I've already talked about this a bit in my posts on staying together, and on my Dad.  It was definitely the right thing for my parents to do to get divorced.  But that didn't make it easy, for them, or for me, and it didn't make the fallout any easier to deal with.  It started off with a lot of stress, and a lot of tears, all 'round.  I desperately wanted to look after both parents.  Things calmed down when they moved into two homes, but we had to downsize, and move across town, and that was hard to cope with.  Having to share a room with my Mum was especially troublesome, especially when she got a new boyfriend!

My Dad never remarried, which brings its own worries.  I wish he had someone

living with him with whom he could share the day to day, although I am glad he has good friends.  My Mum did remarry, and I am very glad she is happy, and exceptionally glad she gave me a little sister.  However, her husband and I don't get on too well, and my sister is with Mum a lot, because she lives nearby, and she's still young.  Sometimes it feels like she has moved on from our family to her new one.  I'm not saying she doesn't love us.  She does.  She just has other things in her life, which are more immediate.  I can't say I don't wish my parents hadn't divorced.  I would love to have my family intact.  But for them, splitting up was the right thing to do.  I hope it's never the right thing for me to do again, because I would hate to mess up my lovely family.  All I can do is to keep working through bad things, and bigging up the good things, and help us stay happy together.  Oh, and cuddling too.

What about you?  What was the worst thing you've ever been through?

This post is one of a series I'm doing inspired by Chantelle of Fat Mum Slim's suggestions of 50 things to blog about.  If you're interested, here's links to all the ones I've done so far.