Thursday, 19 December 2013

finding the sparkle

Recently, I wrote a post on how to find my sparkle, because I seemed to have lost it.

I got so much feedback from that post, and I wanted to thank everyone for that.  People gave me ideas for things that might help, and reminded me of happy times I'd overlooked.

Altar to a Dead Cat.  Pic by David Tomlinson
Well, I did take some time away with just my lovely husband, and it was really very nice.  We had lots of fun together, which was so good.  We also visited the Gallery of Modern Art (GOMA) in Glasgow, where I was captivated by the Altar to a Dead Cat (1962) by Niki de Saint Phalle.  In it she explores the, at times dark, story of her life to that point.  I love the simplicity of the idea, and the performance of it.  She set up the Altar, with spray cans of paint attached to it, and then shot it, to spread the paint.  I really want to do that!

I also set about being the change I wanted to see in my life.  I love singing, but this is not the time of year to be joining a choir, so I'll leave that until the new year, but I also love reading, and I've organised a book group, to make me read books I wouldn't otherwise (which isn't going to help with the massive pile I've got waiting to be read).  It is surprisingly easy to form a book group, and I'll be writing a how-to guide on it shortly.

Just some of my fabulous friends from rainy town
When I was reminded of happy times I'd overlooked I felt guilty.  I wanted to edit the post, but actually, although those times had been happy, I wasn't wrong when I'd said that the last time I'd felt like myself was four years ago.  It was.  Since then I've gained weight, and lost confidence.  I don't feel strong, capable, and resilient.  But that doesn't mean I haven't had happy times.  I really have.  In particular I made lots of good friends while we were living in rainy town.  Friends who are still friends, and friends who inspire me.  I had lots of happy times in rainy town, but I didn't feel quite myself.  To be honest, I still don't, but writing that post, and getting all the feedback I got gave me the impetus to do something about it.  I'm enjoying being the change, and I feel positive that I will get back to me.

A lot of people suggested that being a full time Mum might not be good for the soul.  They are right about that, although for me, I'm glad I've done it, it is good to have something that is yours, to help avoid being taken for granted, and to break you out of the same-old same-old.  I'm writing now, which is great, but I don't think I'll feel like it's valid until I actually get published.  I've got 45,000 words of the book done, so I'll keep on going with that.  I'll not be ready to hand any of it over for a while yet though!

I think that from time to time the black dog comes into most of our lives, making it hard to remember good things, and indeed to feel joy at all.  I saw this video from WHO last night.  If depression has touched your life at all, you might find it helpful.

Thanks again, for all the positivity, and all the great ideas.  I'm getting back to me, one sparkle at a time!

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