Sunday, 2 March 2014

coping again

It might be because I came off the medicine, or it might just be because life's a bitch, but the pain is back.

It crept back in quietly, a little niggle here, a paracetamol there, a little worry in my heart that maybe it was coming back, and yet fear that if I let myself believe it then I'd breathe it back into existence.

But there's no denying now that it's back. I was tearfully sharing my worries with Kenny this afternoon when the pain stopped waiting a mannerly four hours before breaking through the paracetamol.

For two hours this evening, the pain escalated further. It spat on the puny paracetamol. It took me from my family and to crawl about on my bed, scaring the cat with my ragged attempts at calming breathing, and my spluttering sobs.

I know it can get worse. Today's pain is pain during which I can feel guilt for not being present in my family. This is pain in which I can appreciate the presence of a worried child, even if I can't think of words to say, even if I can't put on a brave face. This is not the searing blue pain which renders me incapable of standing, forgetting to breathe, beside myself with terror that this blue demon in my head will never truly go away. That maybe it's something really awful and by the time I eventually see anyone useful through the NHS it'll be too late.

People have been in touch to ask, and I realise I haven't said.  The pain is focused toward the left of my right cheekbone.  I also get echoes of the pain in my right jaw.  I have been under the doctor with it this time since the beginning of January.  I had it before, 10 years ago, and that time it went away after ten months of coming and going, without receiving any diagnosis.  It wasn't as strong then.  

I expect it might get worse tomorrow.

I am scared.

I don't want to be faulty.

I don't want to always have to take medication.

I want to be present in my family.

I am frustrated and angry that despite having this problem since the end of December, and being referred to a specialist in mid January I'm not going to get my first appointment with said specialist until the end of March.  

Don't get me wrong.  I believe that the NHS is full of good people who are doing their utmost, but years and years of governments undermining the NHS while research has improved possible health outcomes has put the NHS under such strain that the creaking has turned into cracking, into breaking apart at the seams.  The NHS is losing good people, which is weakening it further, but it's not dead yet.  The Scottish government is brilliant at doing the right thing for vulnerable people.  I hope it can do more to help the NHS in Scotland.

And breathe.

Have you got any ideas on how we could help improve the NHS, and reduce waiting times?

Other posts you might like:

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Where I'm at in First Draft - early Chapter 11.
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