Thursday, 8 October 2015

seeing beyond fat

Ages ago I wrote a blog post on ideas of craziness, disordered eating, and doctors unwillingness to see the person beyond the fat. You'll find it here.

Recently the blogger, and marvellous illustrator, Kat of Murder of Goths, wrote a really interesting piece which I'm so grateful that she shared, about her disordered eating. You'll find it here.

She makes the point that if you're fat and you lose weight people automatically see it as a good thing - she gets congratulated, when actually she's in a very dark place and needs support. 

Starving yourself isn't good for anybody. Fat might be associated with certain health issues, but not as much as poverty, and we don't hear doctors telling people to get richer do we?

I've been losing weight this year, which I'm happy about. I've been doing it on purpose, because I didn't feel healthy, and losing weight has helped me to feel better. However, people keep telling me I'm doing great; and that I should keep up the good work. They're trying to be supportive. But this translates to me as 'you are not as hideous as you used to be, but you're not there yet.'

As the weather has started to turn my husband has been working away more, and there have been lots of things going on. I've not been doing so well at losing weight, and I've felt guilty. Feeling guilty has made me sabotage myself, eating more than I want in an effort to prove some ridiculous point. Dieting had been going fine, but it felt like it was becoming something horrible.

Queuing up to get weighed last week, I expected a gain. I felt like a failure, and was bemoaning my lack of will-power. I was almost in tears in the slimming club. I know that the lovely woman that runs it wouldn't want me to feel that way, and she makes a point of celebrating what you've achieved. But. It's hard to recall the progress you've made when you're slipping backwards.
This dress if from Simply Be (here). The belt is from
ASOS (there's a leather version here)

I decided to stop focusing on what I wasn't doing, and focus on how things are. I did Margot Meanie's rebellious self love challenge and took lots of selfies. I chatted with my lovely daughter (Miss 8 (they're both lovely, but I trust Miss 8's opinion more than Miss 5's)). She wanted me to stop dieting. She didn't want me to stop being cuddly. I said I should probably join a gym instead. She rolled her eyes and told me that that was far too boring. I yearn for the day when this girl can drink Prosseco.

So I've stopped. I'm still eating healthily, but I am no longer eschewing cake. I am also looking in the mirror with a friendly eye.

I am still classed as obese, but that's alright. The BMI is a blunt instrument anyway. I might go back on the diet when the weather turns again. I might not. The important thing is to be happy and healthy. Other people might just see my fat, but that doesn't mean that I should.