Thursday, 6 March 2014

having a bad day

Yesterday was a very bad day.

The pain was back and it was whupping me.  My morning was written off, but then it came back in the afternoon too.  Building stronger and stronger, and not going away.

I ended up being taken to hospital, to no avail.  Still no idea what it is, or how to deal with it.  Weeks to go before my first ENT appointment.  I am so tired of this.

Luckily for me, I have a fabulous network in Seaside Town of people who are ready to help me when I need it.  Of course, I suck at actually asking, but I did manage to ask yesterday, and my fabulous mother in law swooped in to the rescue.  She looked after the seven million children who seemed to be in my house, while I took myself away and thought about breathing and songs, and how this too would pass.  But it didn't, and it didn't, and it didn't some more.

By the way, do other people concentrate on songs (in their heads) when they're in bad places?  If not, what do you do?  Yesterday's song for me was this one:

And during my one hour trip to the hospital to have a baby, who was stuck, cut out of me, the song in my head was this one (please note, this was not yesterday):

Anyway, while the pain wasn't stopping yesterday, in between thinking of REM, thinking of blue, thinking of breathing, I thought that actually there could be a permanent solution to this pain.  That's not a happy place to be.

I know logically that when I'm in the pain and it seems like I should stop it some damn way, that I will come through it, and be OK, but I also know it might come back, and the thought that I might always be like that - never knowing when I'm going to be on the outside of my life looking in, is horrific.  

I have been exhausted and spacey all day today, recovering from yesterday's excesses.  I don't know what this is doing to me, but I hope we can find a way to make it stop soon.

And never come back.

And what to say to the dark thoughts?  What can you say, but...

...not today.

So, in an effort to focus on the positive, I am finding happiness in every day for the next 100 days.  100 Happy Days is a thing right now, which you might have come across in your social media feeds.  I am doing it.  For 100 days I will share a picture of something that brought me happiness each day.  Today I had a lot of options.  I watched Bridesmaids this morning, which made me laugh, I had choir practice this evening, and I love choir, but a friend took the big kids after school to give me a break, so the thing I took my picture of today was my little girl.  I have had such a lovely time with her today, which has made me really happy, because I missed all of my children so much yesterday.

Other posts you might like:

The book challenge
Words at 6/3/14 - 59,738.
1168 words written so far this month.
Where I'm at in First Draft - early Chapter 11.
What I did last - a scene with my hero and the bad guys.